What A Difference 9 Months Makes – How Blogging Saved Me

I read a lot today. I read my own writing, from my first blog post up until now. In hindsight, I believe this blog saved me from a much darker fate. The act of putting something in writing for the world to see, be it an idea or a thought, an emotion or a desire has strengthened my will to achieve my dreams, and I am proud to say that since the time I started writing publicly, my life has completely changed for the better.

It was sad to read many of my posts. The first 3 months I spent blogging was a very bad time in my life, wrought with depression and other vices that were leading me down a rabbit hole I could not see a way out of. The truth of the matter is that I am usually not a very open person. I find it very difficult to confide in people, or even talk about my state in the simplest of terms. Yet in writing, I find myself telling the world, openly, all the things I cannot seem to tell even those people that are closest to me.

I read posts about freedom and failure, materialism and minimalism. I read about my plans to remove all of the clutter from my life and about the way I want to live. As of this moment I am happy with my life. I travel, I see, I do and I feel free. Since leaving Melbourne I have learned, and learned very quickly, just what is important in my life. I own less than I ever thought possible, yet find myself wanting nothing more than a new book occasionally, or a block of chocolate. I live well, I enjoy my work, I eat well and have good accommodation, and all for less than I could have ever imagined.

Perhaps the hardest hitting revelation I had in this process is recalling just how depressed I was in my ‘successful’ life. Were it not for me putting in writing many of my thoughts I would no longer remember just how much I hated my life. The depression I felt now seems so distant, and my blog serves as a reminder to me that my well being is in my own hands. My current situation is a direct effect of acknowledging that I was not happy and making the hard decisions necessary to change. It wasn’t easy. Much of the journey has not been easy. I have had several serious setbacks and many unexpected turns, but never lost sight of my goal. However, no matter how stressful, or how broke and hungry I may have found myself in the process, the depression that once gripped me has loosened its hold and no longer exists.

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A Depressing Undertaking

In ideal circumstances, it is now 2 months from the day I go to Falls Creek (the snow). There is a good chance this will not happen, but in any case whatever my next step is, it will likely either be somewhere distant or on the way to somewhere distant. So I must be prepared. For those of you that are reading my posts, you will know that being prepared involves getting rid of all of my stuff. Besides perhaps a small selection of things that I will leave with loved ones.

For the remainder of today and all of tomorrow I will be photographing and listing every single book, CD and DVD I own, love and have left, for sale. Those that don’t sell I will be giving away for free. Be it to anyone that wants them or a charity store. Most likely the remaining books will go to the Melbourne Central book exchange shelf.

I wish to see more of this world, how that happens I don’t yet know and I will likely always remain uncertain about what comes next. The biggest step will be to get to the next place. The first place. And to start learning how to live with less.

The life I have been leading has now left me empty, depressed and wanting for more. But more it seems, is less. More is to enjoy the moment, to find myself in good company and in laughter. To leave behind the office and the seemingly endless professional repetition. I no longer have any desire to strive for a promotion, or a pay rise. These things are now meaningless to me. As of this June, I will no longer work jobs I do not enjoy. I will make sure that I am either somewhere I want to be, or working towards somewhere I want to be. I am the only person in control of my future. I want no handouts. I will make myself.

So for now. It is time to start taking photographs, weighing books and listing things for sale. Once I have started getting a decent amount of things listed I will place some links here.

Sigh*

What do I really want?

It seems there are so many good answers to the question ‘what do you really want?’

Some may say they want a nice house with no mortgage. Others, a fancy car. Many want a beautiful and loving wife with a family to suit. But what is the one thing, that most significant overarching achievement, that would truly bring satisfaction into your life? Is it a million dollars?

For me, it freedom of choice. Something we all already have to a lesser degree than my ultimate goal. I want to have the freedom to decide, after I wake up in the morning, what I do with my day, on any day, all year round, for the rest of my life without any stresses. I want to decide whether I go to work…. or not. I want to have the freedom to pack up, at any time, and go wherever I want. Tomorrow, if I want to go to New York City and walk the perimeter of Central Park, I would book a plane ticket and just go do it. Why not? YOLO right?

To many, this dream might seem so far out of reach that it’s simply not realistic. To me, this seems readily achievable, so much so that I’m already preparing for it to happen.

The first thing that needed to happen, was that I needed to focus. How am I going to make this happen? Really think about this. Consult google (seriously) and ask yourself, of all your ideas, which ones are reasonable? Which ones might just work? My current list of answers is getting so long I’m struggling to pick which I’m going to try first.

The second thing is to get to work. Get going, start learning, be the best, work and work hard. Don’t stop and don’t let a hurdle bring you down.

The third thing. Be prepared for success. Don’t be afraid and be prepared to win. Know what you will do when you do win. Because anyone that believes they can, that strives for it and that doesn’t give up, will win. Soon it will be my turn.

My focus has been clear for quite some time now. My ideas are vast and realistic, however I have found not achievable in my current lifestyle. I find it kind of ironic that I have made the decision to quit my well paid engineering career in order to pursue my goals. Counterintuitive right? Well, not really. My greatest asset is me. In my skills, my education and my time. The most important thing for me now, is to get out of the stressful professional job, start living a life with more laughter, more people and more time to make my dreams a reality. So screw the wage, I’m about to make my wildest dreams come true.

Starting Over

From being so far behind, to getting closer and closer to being back at the starting line. My motivation is returning. In torrents. I am the only person in control of my future and I am not satisfied with being average. I am not satisfied with just getting by.

What has been stopping me? Me. Only me. Nobody can tell me what I can or cannot do because they are not me. They do not know me and they do not know what I will achieve. I have failed now so many times. Lost and lost again, been laughed at and mocked. But at least I have tried. I have not settled with the option of slaving away for a boss until I am 65, to then settle for living in relative poverty. I have learnt far too much to allow that to happen. That will not be my life. I have fallen on my face, taken the hits, allowed myself to get trampled on and listened to the voices that have told me my dreams are ridiculous. They are not. My dreams are real. My dreams are possible and I will achieve them. I will not be average. I will fall and fail, as many times as necessary until I get to where I want to be.

I have been stagnant now for far too long. It’s time I got back in the game. No more piss farting around and pretending. My dream is real. My ideas will work. Just because they have not worked yet simply means that I have not worked hard enough at them yet. I want to be great and I am prepared to work for it. I will be great.

Fear. Fear stops us. Fear has halted me and I have found too many ways to find temporary release from it. I have feared and felt the anxiety of failure. I have written about it and allowed it to consume me. Fear of failure is akin to telling myself that I am not prepared to even try. Fear is pathetic. If success was so easy and failure was optional, than why are more people not successful. Why are so many people slaving away. I believe my dreams will happen for me and I believe I deserve it.

It’s 3:30 am. I’m not going back to sleep. I have work to do.¬†Tomorrow, I get back in to the library. The next time I fall over, I will not stay down at all. I will get straight back up.