Starting Over

From being so far behind, to getting closer and closer to being back at the starting line. My motivation is returning. In torrents. I am the only person in control of my future and I am not satisfied with being average. I am not satisfied with just getting by.

What has been stopping me? Me. Only me. Nobody can tell me what I can or cannot do because they are not me. They do not know me and they do not know what I will achieve. I have failed now so many times. Lost and lost again, been laughed at and mocked. But at least I have tried. I have not settled with the option of slaving away for a boss until I am 65, to then settle for living in relative poverty. I have learnt far too much to allow that to happen. That will not be my life. I have fallen on my face, taken the hits, allowed myself to get trampled on and listened to the voices that have told me my dreams are ridiculous. They are not. My dreams are real. My dreams are possible and I will achieve them. I will not be average. I will fall and fail, as many times as necessary until I get to where I want to be.

I have been stagnant now for far too long. It’s time I got back in the game. No more piss farting around and pretending. My dream is real. My ideas will work. Just because they have not worked yet simply means that I have not worked hard enough at them yet. I want to be great and I am prepared to work for it. I will be great.

Fear. Fear stops us. Fear has halted me and I have found too many ways to find temporary release from it. I have feared and felt the anxiety of failure. I have written about it and allowed it to consume me. Fear of failure is akin to telling myself that I am not prepared to even try. Fear is pathetic. If success was so easy and failure was optional, than why are more people not successful. Why are so many people slaving away. I believe my dreams will happen for me and I believe I deserve it.

It’s 3:30 am. I’m not going back to sleep. I have work to do.¬†Tomorrow, I get back in to the library. The next time I fall over, I will not stay down at all. I will get straight back up.

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The Will to Continue

Things are hard. They have not been easy for years. Knowing now that work is coming to an end on May 30 only makes it harder to continue to turn up. Though, like so many of us I am not currently in a position where that is a choice I have the luxury of making. My current job fortunately pays me very well and so with it I at least have a good chance of getting myself back to the starting line before it is over. Without it, who knows how long it will take, being so far behind now for the last 6 months or so, after a series of terrible decisions, has pushed me further down and kept me there.

I have only really been on the rise again for about 1 month. I am making ground very quickly, but it is hard work and only reinforces just how far ahead of the game i should have been by now. By now, if i just had have been prepared, i should have been nearing the finish line. But I was just so unaware of the long term impacts of my decisions. No point beating myself up about what should have been right?

I know my potential. I have seen myself work. I have seen myself excel at everything I ever had passion for. Passion converts directly in to motivation. But being behind has drained both the passion and motivation from my life completely. I just need to get back to 0. Back in the positive. Back to the place where whatever I try is pushing me further ahead rather than gaining lost ground. 

It is hard to continue. But we must. Giving up will not achieve anything. Except maybe to teach us how bad the bottom can be. I hit my lowest about 3 months ago. I will not go back there. I cannot go back there.

Life got hard. But I am resilient.