To be alive. Not to simply exist, but to be free and in control. To be behind the wheel of my own future. To face the uncertain world and flip it off with complete confidence in self.
Over 3 months ago, I started this blog a different man. A man knowing that change had become desperately necessary. Things were not good. A miserable engineer. A desk monkey in debt and swimming in other issues. Reluctantly complying with and singing the ‘professional’ song, I was too close to cracking.
Today my bags are packed, my arms are outstretched, i’m smilling wide and i’m ready to run. The trail is fuzzy and uncertain, each decision a fork in my path. Each day a new opportunity for risk, a new chance to create something beautiful.
I have no idea who I am, but I am happy. I am my own man and the only person making decisions that effect my future. Tomorrow my world turns completely upside down. My old desk now belongs to another. Tomorrow I meet my new colleagues and drive up to Falls Creek (the snow).
We all need to worry less. Life is one big risk. It can and does all go to shit occasionally, but we only get to live it once. Whatever you want to do. Just go do it. Cut out the bullshit and get down to living.
My primary objective is now to live. I want to see and explore. Jump with both feet in the deep end and just see where I end up. Anything is possible. But we have to be prepared to take the risk.
1) I’m about to come into a lot more time; and
2) I’m about to take a massive pay cut.
As any follower of this blog will know by now, my life has gone mostly to plan, but my plan was made prior to my ability to really understand what I wanted, as it probably is for most. Life is crazy and constantly full of the completely unexpected. But I now realize that it us up us to make sure that when things get off track, or when we discover that we have been chasing the wrong dreams, that we get ourselves back on track or completely change direction if necessary. It is never too late. Saying “It’s too late for me” is akin to saying I don’t like where I am now, and i’m not prepared to think about how to get myself in to a position that I want to be in.
What to do with my time now is playing on my mind a lot lately. I can do or be anything. I have still got most of my life ahead of me. I used to play a lot of Guitar, until life got in the way. I used to do a lot of puzzles, until work moved and I started spending nearly 4 hours a day travelling. There is a little creative genius inside of me that has never really had his chance to come fully out to play. I want to learn to paint, to draw, to write a novel, write some poetry, to dance as if i’m not trying to stop myself tripping over, to write music, to start producing some films maybe, to create something beautiful. Something to be proud of. I am about to re-create myself.
Embarking on a creative journey is difficult. Mainly because to become good at something I must first be very bad at it for a long time. Failure is inevitable. Success depends only on how badly I want it. I thrive when someone tells me I cannot do something. Or when a hard situation arises. I need to be challenged and constricted in order to excel. When I was 16 I had been playing guitar for 2 years, and then put a circular saw through 3 fingers on my fret hand. To this day, one of my fingers remains completely useless, however I only ever got better and better on the guitar, by hours and hours of continuously beating on my craft. Having one less finger has not stopped me, it just gave me the drive to get better, to prove to myself that this injury would not hold me down. It never has. What stopped me playing was pursuing a professional career as an engineer. Committing creative suicide. Last Christmas, my brother and sister bought me a left handed guitar, so that I could start to learn in reverse, with a fully functional hand. So far I have only picked it up about 5 times. This must change.
My Left Handed Guitar
About three years ago, someone very close to me was showing me a piece of art they had created, and I remember saying “but what’s the point?”. She then stopped creating, for years. I’m so deeply sorry for this. It was me that didn’t understand the value of creativity. There does not need to be meaning. There must only be imagination.
I now commit to spending more time working on my creative skills.