I read a lot today. I read my own writing, from my first blog post up until now. In hindsight, I believe this blog saved me from a much darker fate. The act of putting something in writing for the world to see, be it an idea or a thought, an emotion or a desire has strengthened my will to achieve my dreams, and I am proud to say that since the time I started writing publicly, my life has completely changed for the better.
It was sad to read many of my posts. The first 3 months I spent blogging was a very bad time in my life, wrought with depression and other vices that were leading me down a rabbit hole I could not see a way out of. The truth of the matter is that I am usually not a very open person. I find it very difficult to confide in people, or even talk about my state in the simplest of terms. Yet in writing, I find myself telling the world, openly, all the things I cannot seem to tell even those people that are closest to me.
I read posts about freedom and failure, materialism and minimalism. I read about my plans to remove all of the clutter from my life and about the way I want to live. As of this moment I am happy with my life. I travel, I see, I do and I feel free. Since leaving Melbourne I have learned, and learned very quickly, just what is important in my life. I own less than I ever thought possible, yet find myself wanting nothing more than a new book occasionally, or a block of chocolate. I live well, I enjoy my work, I eat well and have good accommodation, and all for less than I could have ever imagined.
Perhaps the hardest hitting revelation I had in this process is recalling just how depressed I was in my ‘successful’ life. Were it not for me putting in writing many of my thoughts I would no longer remember just how much I hated my life. The depression I felt now seems so distant, and my blog serves as a reminder to me that my well being is in my own hands. My current situation is a direct effect of acknowledging that I was not happy and making the hard decisions necessary to change. It wasn’t easy. Much of the journey has not been easy. I have had several serious setbacks and many unexpected turns, but never lost sight of my goal. However, no matter how stressful, or how broke and hungry I may have found myself in the process, the depression that once gripped me has loosened its hold and no longer exists.
My professional life is over in 51 days now (34 more days behind a desk). The closer the date gets, the more i’m thinking about what is going to happen. Truth is that I have no solid idea. Perhaps my need to know, my need to have some degree of certainty as to what the future holds, is something I need to let go of.
Today I have been trying to shift my thinking. Rather than thinking about what is going to happen. I’m asking myself what is important? Life is uncertain, and I do not have a solid plan. I only have ideas that may or may not work (though i’m largely optimistic) and a desire to actually live my life. So perhaps I should just let life happen, enjoy the moment and focus on the important things. But what are the important things?
These are the things that I think are important. This list has not been planned and perhaps I will use it as a ‘live’ record and update it as I make my journey. But for now, this is what comes to mind:
I have recently been put in contact and inspired by a few people who have already taken the leap I intend to take. Individuals who have thrown away the ideals that we have been taught, and have become truly their own people. I hope to learn a lot from these incredible people.
I have also had many conversations recently with older professionals, including people in my current workplace. Many times I have heard that one of the biggest regrets they have is not taking a similar risk when they were younger, and choosing to just continue in the corporate world, year after year.
So i’m going to try my best to focus on what is important, and just let life happen, whilst trying to experience and travel as much as possible. If I end up in the gutter. I will end up in the gutter happy. I have no idea where I am going. But for the first time in my life I feel that I am beginning to discover myself, and not the person the world expects me to be.